Nobody for President!

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 19:25:21 GMT

See you, space cowboy!

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 02:29:41 GMT

I got fired today (no specific reason, just "wasn't working out") which is kind of good because six months is a long-ass time. Looks like I can pull it together to come back this week. May or may not bring back a bounty of produce, we'll see how the logistics work out.

Portrait of the Academic as a Young Man

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 02:10:05 GMT

Now reading:

Half-Asleep in Frog Pajamas, Tom Robbins
Portrait of the Artist, James Joyce
The Paradoxes of Delusion, Louis A. Sass
Wild Ducks Flying Backwards, Tom Robbins
Mindfield, Gregory Corso
The classifieds.

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 20:57:19 GMT

My frustration is too intense to cope. I need something to do, and writing isn't concrete enough to cut it. I am going to stop posting and start looking for paint.

Thank you to Donovan for being a little bastard. <3

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 19:23:28 GMT

Check out Dermot Cole today.

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 22:24:48 GMT

I started re-reading Fierce Invalids today, and page 1 I realized that the moral is "the hand of fate is compassionate". It's too much. Too vivid? I am losing my mind. It's probably okay, but I think the world is concussing me with this point.

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 22:52:29 GMT

Have I spoken too soon? I may have a job tommorrow, and they want six months. My policy has always been if it looks like love, do it, no question. It still is, so I think I will explain myself to them - on the other hand, when six months is over it will feel like it never happened, because the present is the only place you live. Do I continue like Odysseus or go home to my lover like Bond James Bond? Dare I speculate about visitation? I'm impatient with this kind of conflict. However it resolves I'll set myself to making it work.

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 18:57:17 GMT

I am coming back. When? That's up to our Lord and Savior, money. The pineapples closed (repeat, they closed the pineapples; remember how Maui grows pineapples? Not any more), Fairbanks' classifieds are bursting with opportunity, and I might as well say it, I'm in love. All excellent reasons to cancel my vacation. I'm going to settle down in a crooked house with a crazy boy and start waiting tables and reading Finnegan's Wake. Could be a week, maybe a month, but not April.

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 12:56:40 GMT

My grandmother died last night. Please do not express sympathy, some of you might be good at it, some of you have met her, and I don't doubt that all of you would mean it. I'd just rather be left alone with it.

Left alone altogether is a different story. Seph finally got back to me (I wrote him last week to see if the radio silence was emphatic or incidental), Sean expressed certain things that relieved my mind considerably, and the coup de grace of surprise comforts:

This cute guy I'd seen around the hostel these past weeks - tall, dark, pointy, the only other person on the island who brought a sweater - waved to me at a far away beach I was visiting with some fantastic girls. I was half-drowned, so I quit the ocean and went to talk to him. We ended up hanging out all day, he bought me duck and drinks, but most of all he took me to some crazy classy bar in Napili with stolen Ritz Carlton towels. We were treated like kings. The bartender looked like Christian Bale, and they actually bought us the second round. He didn't try to get in my pants at all (not that I would have minded), and as he's leaving tomorrow, he gave me the towels.

The way I see it, the sad part was her being sick. And ultimately, her and I and everyone else are on the same road at different points. I'm not sure what else to say. It's been a weird day but I feel alright.

Einen Eintrag verfassen

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 20:01:27 GMT

I am doing well, made some much needed cash. My internet thinks I'm a German. Makes spell check kind of intrusive, but it's still fun. Debating the idea of love poetry, especially the sense or propriety of me trying to write some. And if I did, then what? Maybe in a few months it will happen (poetry happens sometimes, but I can't sit down and "try") and whoever it may be about won't think it's totally pazzo. Excuse me if I'm ridiculous, hung over from cheap wine and a two hour conversation. Just wanted you all to know I'm not dead and in fact slept indoors for several days extra thanks to my reckless plan.

Did you know the CIA has a kids' page?

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 20:52:11 GMT

Halloweena in Lahaina. Wore all black, dyed my hair with plants, smoked camels, and drank way too much tequila. Went with a cool guy called Ben who eventually got fed up with being stuck there and sprung for the 80$ cab. It'll come back to him. Ended up drinking still more tequila and blue cans (which got me drunk) with an MtF (mahu) from Hana until 6 or so, whereupon I passed out on the couch in the hostel lobby. A good time was had by all but Ben's wallet. Happy hangover and merry November. Oh, fuck.

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 08:33:22 GMT

The old man I met in Iao Valley told me that to get the most out of the bible, you should take one verse a day to meditate on. The bible isn't really my scene, so I've been using the Fierce Invalids Home From Hot Climates. On request from Maria, here is my "verse" from yesterday:

"So, will you go?"
Switters shrugged. There are times when we can feel destiny close around us like a fist around a doorknob. Sure, we can resist. But a knob that won't turn, a door that sticks and never budges, is a nuisance to the gods. The gods may kick in the jamb. Worse, they may walk away in disgust, leaving us to hang dumbly from our tight hinges, deprived of any other chance in life to swing open into unnecessary risk, and thus into enchantment.

(Incidentally, here's today's:

As Switters continued to retreat, finally reseating himself on his cardboard divan, the Indians continued to express amusement. Maybe I should open my own comedy club in Pucallpa, mused Switters. Call it Arachnophobia. Instead, he opened his valise. Rummaged among his shorts and socks and handkerchiefs. And fished out the automatic pistol.
"Nothing personal," he said, as he stood facing the stalk. "I respect all living things, and I'm aware that to you, I, myself, must appear a monstrosity. But you've got my goddamn bananas, pal, and this is the law of the jungle!"

So take it for what it's worth.)

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 19:33:05 GMT

Last night this 16 year old punk with a huge blue mohawk was mackin' on me, and he's alright, but after a certain point it was too absurd and I called a stop to things. He didn't seem to get it. I didn't really feel threatened (he's skinnier than me), but it was obnoxious to have to insist. I was kinda like "who does this kid think he's messing with?" He was all "you should grow out your hair and wear makeup". I mean, he had makeup on, but fuck off. I think that was an encounter with straight malehood, and I think that's enough for me.

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 06:25:22 GMT

I just managed to ruin like half my clothes with bleach. Being resourceful folk I'll probably just dye the jeans I want to keep, but man, I need to get more laundry skills. So. I get here Saturday with my pack, long story short after dark I go to camp on Kanaha beach. Couldn't find a place to charge my phone so I set out a-walking. Eight miles and all night later I arrive at the hostel in Wailuku. Went to book the room and discovered all my money was gone! Everything in that pocket disappeared but my ID. How that happened I have no clue. Very mysterious. Later that night, I meet a philanthropist from Kansas who gave me a hundred bucks! So I'm back where I started, but with more respect for the perils inherent in asking the ocean for an education. Things are good, word has it jobs are plentiful. I've given up on the idea of a Halloween costume since, in my black shirt, shorts, and flip-flops, and my red hair, I'm basically already in costume as Bernard "the Woodpecker" Wrangel. Not deliberately, understand, we just have similar taste in clothes, women, and liquor. I think for Halloween I might just go to Lahaina and drink tequila at the Pioneer Inn. Or I'll ignore Halloween altogether and do it tomorrow, seeing as it's my fake birthday. Being fake 30 will probably make me thirsty.

Addendum: Just talked to one of the girls in my bunk room, and she did the same thing to her clothes! I feel better.

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 02:12:11 GMT

http://www.sacred-texts.com/pac/hm/hm18.htm

Maui is the trickster! Why didn't anybody tell me? Suddenly I get the feeling that I'm going to be in the presence of something much larger than myself.

Personal Values

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 22:45:54 GMT

Car is gone, Sean is gone, my grandma put in a request for crocodile tea, gone is the word of the week. I'm reading a book called "The Paradoxes of Delusion: Wittgenstein, Schreber, and the Schizophrenic Mind", and I think it's given me some insight into a few things, but it really makes me want to spend time around schizophrenic people to get a sense of its accuracy. It more or less describes schizophrenia as a state of mind and asserts that poor reality-testing isn't necessarily characteristic of it, contrasting an ancient autobiography of a crazy man with Wittgenstein's attitudes about philosophy. Good book, you should ALL read it.

It's dawned on me that while winter is in a very concrete way my personal hell, getting rid of all my stuff and materializing somewhere that embodies an opposite extreme is like a cult tactic. Can you brainwash yourself? I mean, that's what they do to people in the army; take away the external cues of identity, including location, and replace them with cues chosen to induce a specific new identity. If you're brainwashed with no prechosen end result, does that mean your brain is clean? Or is it dirty again as soon as you take in your new surroundings? Is taking media along with me going to impede my progress, or can I listen to a familiar song without reinforcing old habits of thought?

Whatever. My back is out again, any recovery it made in the past three weeks has been destroyed by the drive. I think I'm going to exhaust my vicodin stash and trek over to the DMV. Then I think I'm going to change my hair again just to be thorough.

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 00:09:12 GMT

I am leaving tomorrow! May get delayed til Sunday, but that's the current projection. I am driving down with Sean and he's taking the car back. I'm still not sure when to leave. The next really cheap ticket is 10am on the 24th, but that seems like a long intermission. It'll be within the week. Then? I will have defeated cold.

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 21:20:52 GMT

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 00:31:44 GMT

I don't know if I can ever sufficiently plug Tim Kreider, but here's something to read if you're in the market: http://happydays.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/averted-vision/

Sun, 04 Oct 2009 23:00:10 GMT

October already! The fourth even, and the calendar not finished! Nothing is finished but my job and a personal letter of dubious merit! How many of these can I use?!

Since I last wrote, I spent some time in Anchorage, went on a perilous and affecting hike in Girdwood, had the tattoo postponed twice (Mr. Jinx was running late), finished the census work, and started a job for my aunt. I'm typing up geneology notes for her husband's family and they're paying me with a ticket to Hawaii! I feel a little dirty using this Mormon software, but it can't be helped. Anyway, I need to decide when to go to Anchorage, how long to stay, how to sell my car, and also figure out a ride to the airport but if all else fails a cab would be no big deal. At this rate I will be in Maui by Halloween. I have also settled on dressing as James Dean, but I guess that's irrelevant if none of you are going to see it. I'm sure it will be glorious.

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 03:18:00 GMT

I am way too excited about typewriter ribbon. Job started today, it was super boring. I think I can use that feeling when I go see the psychiatrist.

The coming week/s: going to Anchorage Friday, psychiatrist Monday, philosophy presentation Thursday (I'm a shameful addict; they suckered me in by saying reason informed the will. I had a chart all drawn to explain why the guy was wrong, but then I realized that despite his example of a smoker thinking his way out of wanting smoke, there he is with a cigarette after the meeting), and a tattoo on Friday the 2nd. Yes, I have an appointment. Put a deposit down almost two weeks ago. I have a good feeling about it.

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 03:38:10 GMT

Things are going well. The cabin's warm, my attic has chess pieces on the ceiling, and a therapist suggested I might have ADHD with minimal prompting. I ran into Maria at a gas station today, so we had breakfast and decided I'm going to write a self-help book called "Dude, You've Got Goals". It may be worth mentioning that I did not actually say those words to her.

My roommate invited me to philosophy club tomorrow, and I think I'm going to go even though they keep minutes. Six guys and they feel the need to keep minutes? And the roommate really loves Schopenhauer, "90s music", and food from restaurants(?), and he thinks the rat we're babysitting is hateful, so I don't know what to make of him in the first place. When I used to go to that bible study on campus, and maybe it was youthful hubris, but I felt like I was doing my part to keep them honest. If six philosophy majors want to follow Robert's Rules at their little coffee klatch, I'm not sure it's possible to keep them honest. But I figure what the hell. Brace for aneurism, hubris suspended, drink beforehand.

Sun, 13 Sep 2009 09:56:32 GMT

I'm back, it was a good trip. Setting up in town until late October or my grandma dies, whichever comes first. Got a book to start learning violin from today, now all I need is splendid isolation. Turns out my mom left right before I got here, which is sad but I'm also a little relieved. The magic words are "space heater".

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 18:00:52 GMT

The other day I went to an art show where one of John's roommates had a few pieces, then we all went to a gallery to watch this crazy play that another roommate was involved in. I felt really cultured. I also discovered that several people dig me, including a previously straight coworker that I like never talk to, who is probably very confused right now. It's really disorienting (lol), but it's novel and somehow I think I can restrain myself. Honestly I always figured most people thought I was funny looking, but jesus, I guess not.

I have also been eating again for the last three days or so, which is seriously a relief. You never realize how ephemeral a thing like appetite is until it's gone. Similar examples include balance and the ability to interpret sensory data. You know sometimes when you're sick and you viscerally recoil at the thought of food? For like two months I've felt like that about 80% of the time. It wasn't intentional, and it had nothing to do with thinking I didn't have to eat or whatever ridiculous bullshit David accused me of, but it's over now and I think being out of town really helped, so victory.

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 19:02:05 GMT

Yesterday at work the army guys were rasslin' amongst themselves, no big deal, when I see two unrelated guys get in an SUV down the path and drive over to them, then pull out and drive off really quickly. I call it in on my radio and my boss freaks out a little and tells everybody to close the gates. The cops show up, they get arrested for a DUI, and the cops get on the army guys for fighting, which seems weird because they were just playing and we all knew that. One of the SUV guys had an out of state warrant, which I'll get back to.

Later I found out my boss reacted that way because he thought I said they ran over something and there was going to be a brawl, which I'm pretty sure wasn't even phonetically similar to what I did say, but whatever. Then today I find out the SUV guy was wanted in New Jersey for "terrorist activities". I accidentally caught a terrorist! I don't know what he did, but I hope it wasn't something totally banal like fake anthrax mailings or circulating hateful pamphlets.

In other news, I'm reading Camus's The Myth of Sisyphus and it's a lot like 2007.